Hello, beautiful souls! Today’s blog is a journey of self-discovery and breaking free from people-pleasing the shackles of people-pleasing. So, buckle up and join me as we unravel the why, how, and most importantly, the path to embracing your authentic self.
Understanding the Roots of People-Pleasing
From the moment we’re born, the need to feel safe, secure, and valued is ingrained in us. Many of us adopt the habit of people-pleasing because, during our formative years, we learned that being flexible and accommodating was the key to connection and love. Unfortunately, this coping mechanism, developed in childhood, often persists into adulthood. Instead of cultivating our unique personalities with values and preferences, we continue to adapt to those around us. Trapped in the cycle of people-pleasing, we seek approval and shoulder blame for others’ moods.
Identifying the People-Pleasing Pattern
The challenge arises when we carry these childhood tactics into our adult lives. We may find ourselves changing our preferences and opinions based on the people we’re with, resulting in a lack of a clear and structured personality. This pattern often leads people-pleasers to gravitate toward individuals with strong characters, perpetuating the cycle. Read more: What is the Subconscious Mind?
Let me illustrate this pattern with an example. Imagine Sarah, a self-described anxious people-pleaser. She often finds herself consumed by worries, fearing that everything is her fault, and constantly on edge about others being annoyed with her. Picture this: Sarah is at a social gathering, and despite her discomfort, she agrees to do things she doesn’t enjoy just to gain approval. This is a classic example of people-pleasing. Now, the question is, how can Sarah break free from this cycle of anxious people-pleasing and cultivate a mindset of self-assurance?
Path to Liberation
As adults, we have several paths out of the challenging patterns of people-pleasing. However, before we explore them, we must recognize that our colleagues, partners, and friends are likely different from the individuals around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood. Most people can handle contradiction and rejection with politeness; the world won’t explode.
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Shifting Perspective
As a people-pleaser, it’s common to feel like everything is your fault. Instead of always saying “I’m sorry,” try expressing gratitude. Replace apologies with phrases like “Thank you for understanding.” This change helps you value your own opinion and needs, creating a positive atmosphere in your interactions. By making this shift, you break the cycle of feeling responsible for everything and start building healthier relationships.
Practicing gratitude not only changes how others respond but also boosts your self-worth and encourages assertiveness. Try it out and observe how it enhances your interactions and boosts your self-confidence.
Changing the Narrative
Stop telling yourself a story that revolves around blame. Rather than assuming responsibility for someone else’s mood, shift your thinking. Offer support by asking, “Can I help you? Do you want to talk about it?” Understand that people, including yourself, are imperfect and often preoccupied with issues unrelated to you. By changing this storyline, you avoid unnecessary self-blame and create space for healthier communication and understanding in your relationships.Â
Stop Telling Yourself Stories & Tell the Truth Instead
Recognize when you’re creating narratives that paint you as the villain. Communicate openly instead. If something is bothering you, express it without assuming blame. Similarly, when dealing with others, ask questions rather than making assumptions. Challenge the stories you tell yourself. Understand that people have their own agendas, moods, and issues that may have nothing to do with you. Replace self-blame with the truth – you live in a flawed world, and that’s okay. Read more: How to stop overthinking
Focus On The Best Possible Outcomes
Steer clear of focusing on the worst-case scenarios. Most of what you worry about statistically won’t happen. Instead, focus on the best possible outcomes. Give yourself better coping skills and imagine positive scenarios.
Say It
Take a moment to acknowledge your worth. Avoid giving others the power to dictate your worth. Instead of seeking external validation, empower yourself. The most important opinion in the world is yours. Say positive affirmations to yourself daily. What do you need to hear? ‘I matter. I’m significant. I’m lovable. I’m enough.’ Repeat these affirmations and let them become a powerful force in your life.
Taking Action to Embrace Authenticity
People-pleasers often fear that expressing strong opinions or having a clear personality will result in disconnection from others. The key is to recognize that the only person who can anchor you is yourself. Seeking validation from others leaves you perpetually searching for external cues on what to think and how to act. Read more of my blogs post
To break free from people-pleasing, start showing up as yourself in relationships. Begin by selecting one relationship or engaging with someone you don’t know well, where the fear of loss is minimal. Authenticity doesn’t have to happen overnight; it’s a gradual process. If you’re unsure about your preferences or opinions, admit it. Start building your own personality by researching topics that interest you, delve into subjects you like, and educate yourself through articles, podcasts, and books.
As you embark on this journey to stop being a people-pleaser, remember that change begins with acknowledging your worth. Embrace your authenticity, release self-blame, and celebrate the unique person you are. Say it, believe it, and watch how your life transforms.
Remember, it’s possible to be pleasant without being a people-pleaser.
